I Can't Accept You
by Vitani Le
Summary: An extremely cold anecdote, in which Natsume haunts Matsuba, in an attempt to force him to listen to her. Very slightly Soulshipping (Natsume x Matsuba).


Ah, yes, the disturbance. The fear, the trickling of sweat that melts away the mask of those who make the futile attempt to wear it... It is here. As always. Just like the year before, and the year before that. They always fear me.  
  
I grin to myself. The irony of the whole situation is incredible. Amazing, that I can inflict this burning, writhing sensation to any who merely sees my face, a curse millions would give their right arm to possess. And yet, I, it turns me into a cold slab of ice every time I cause this unwilling paranoia. Ironic. It makes me laugh.  
  
My eyes carry me through this arena. We all have congregated, following the yearly tradition set by the forefathers before us. Masters of the finest of arts, we are. Commanders of the elements residing within our sinister (or, in the case of Akane's, ignorant and simply stupid) tamed beasts of the wilderness. We are here.  
  
As I survey the scene before me, I wonder whether or not it'd be best to finally reveal myself to the crowd of twittering, anxious Leaders. If they all dread the moment of arrival, why not bring it upon them now, and end their pointless suffering? But of course, I'm not one to give them what they wish for, am I? That's how they've always known me, why not keep it that way? Let them continue their fear.  
  
Ah, so now it's time for the beginning of announcements. I keep my position, cloaked behind an unfolded chair and still unseen by the crowd, and listen attentively to the announcements of Wataru, our current Champion. (I suppose he was a better choice than most for the top position, but had I been allowed to compete, I'm sure I would have defeated him before he had the chance to say "Dragonite.")  
  
"Welcome, all my fellow Leaders and Elites," he states, to polite applause, "to our forty-fifth annual Gym Conference. As always, we endeavor to discuss the potential flaws concerning our methods of works in our Gyms, and we strive to perfect ourselves and be the best Gym Leaders that all our Leagues have ever seen!"  
  
I've never quite understood the mechanics behind speech-giving, how a flimsy, one-dimensional speech will receive tenfold the applause of a meaningful, somber one. Maybe as people join together, their intelligence does not add, but subtract. This could explain why I've always worked in solitude.  
  
"Now, let's take roll," continues Wataru, "Has everyone been accounted for?"  
  
Murmurs of uneasiness ripple through the crowd. I wait, wondering if anyone will have the courage to speak reference to me.  
  
It is Matsuba, the trainer of Ghosts, that replies. And he makes a braver statement than I presumed he would. "I have not seen... Natsume... anywhere."  
  
Oh, what price you're going to pay for saying THAT, I snigger. The furtive glances cast towards him speak of the forbidden. Those eyes demand to know how he dare utter the vile, disgusting unspeakable-ness that is my name.  
  
"...Well then. Should we wait for her arrival, or simply continue without her?" Wataru appears nervous. Oh, is even the World Champion of elemental training afraid of me? What could I possibly do to you? If I even blew breath in your direction, I'd find myself locked in a thermal cell for a dozen years.  
  
Matsuba speaks again. Oh, he is a brave one tonight, ne? "I believe, if she intends to come at all, she would already be here. Let's continue on."  
  
Oh, this boy always makes me smile. So clever, Morty-boy, I chuckle, you figure things out so quickly nowadays. You know I'm here. Now just glance around, why don't you, you know where I am...  
  
Alas, his eyes only flicker slightly to his right side. So he tries not to find me, then. You cannot lie to yourself, you know I am here.  
  
It is no time at all before the main issues of the Conference have been drawn to a close. All the Leaders have asked their questions, debated the answers, and now the time comes for socialization. For me, it is time to speak with that boy who avoids my flaming gaze.  
  
Casting a spell of invisibility over myself, I tread across the floor to the point where Matsuba stands. Morty-boy, why you always avoid my contact, I do not know... You, the other telepathic, you refuse to open your mind to me. (Will you close my only door to redemption, MATSUBA?)  
  
His hand twitches, and his glass of cola tips and pours its contents onto the girl in front of him. (So he hears me.) Akane shrieks, and runs away to find a towel. (The look on her face is so cute. Crying, shrieking, that is.)  
  
"Stop it, Natsume." Though he cannot see me, his eyes bore through my own. His intense, fearsome azure eyes. "You can't possibly get any pleasure out of aggravating me or Akane."  
  
(Oh, how would you know that? What if every evil thing I do fills my wasted heart with glee?)  
  
"Cut the theatrics." He turns toward the bar, tries to go refill his glass.  
  
(I'm afraid I can't let you go like that.) The force field suddenly thrown in front of him prevents him from escaping me.  
  
"Why do you keep bothering me?"  
  
(Why do you keep fleeing me?)  
  
"You're harassing me. I don't want... don't want to talk to you."  
  
(Stop lying. I know you want to hear me.)  
  
"Natsume, leave me alone." He cannot bear to look me in the eye. "I'm no help for you."  
  
"But yes, yes you are," I whisper in his ear. "That's why I won't leave you. You can help me."  
  
"I won't help you terrorize innocent little kids. Like you did with Satoshi."  
  
(You're too scared to accept me. Too blinded by the view of the crowd. Has living amongst the common people really made you this ignorant?)  
  
"What do you want from me?"  
  
(You know who I am, Matsuba! You, alone, of all these powerful celebrities, you are the only one who can penetrate my mind, and see me for who I really am.)  
  
He scowls, and mutters to the ground. "Itsuki is just as qualified a psychic as you or I."  
  
Ah, the potential overlooked flaw of my little plan. I forgot about Itsuki. "Go blackmail Itsuki," Morty-boy demands of me. "He's stronger in the mind than me anyway. Go get him to help you, and make everyone see how 'reformed' you are."  
  
(You believe I haven't changed?)  
  
"You use threats to try and convince me to help you. You sneak around in the dark, spying on the Gym Leader meetings without even showing your face."  
  
(Do you believe I haven't changed?)  
  
"Stop interrogating me!" He clutches his head, bending down to the floor. His face contorts in pain. The strain of blocking my mental intrusion is breaking him down, I see.  
  
"You believe," I whisper, and the winds of the arena carry my echoing words throughout them. "You know I am different. You know this tiny little seed of goodness has finally been planted in me. But why you will not hear me through... I cannot see."  
  
"...Natsume..."  
  
I can feel him now, his shaking sides and the electricity that jolts through his brain. He is feeling me, understanding me, and he cannot block me out anymore. It's just a shame that a face like his would be destroyed by the contortions of his agony. What will he decide now? Must I wait for the answer?  
  
(Tell me you can feel me... Tell me you know I am redeemed... Don't destroy this little bit of hope inside me, Matsuba, tell me you accept me.)  
  
"I CAN'T ACCEPT YOU!"  
  
Heads spin towards this explosion of emotion. All falls silent, save for the continuing echoes... "accept you... accept you... you..."  
  
"Can't accept you... can't..." His head shakes constantly, back-and-forth, and back-and-forth, in this steaming denial. "You can't. Can't."  
  
(I can't... what?) "Matsuba, what can't I do?" My lips hover, mere inches from his ear. "What can't I do? Read into me, Matsuba-kun, what can't I do?"  
  
His eyes, they lift from the floor, to the heads and faces and nameless voices that surround us both. The shadows prowl, listening for a hint of this inner brawl, one that even I don't understand. (Matsuba, I am not all powerful...)  
  
"Don't say that..."  
  
(I am not all powerful, I can't understand you now... What can't I do? What?! Tell me. Tell me. [His head shakes.] TELL ME!)  
  
In a brief flash of an instant, he jumps to his feet, and his eyes meet mine for the last time. "Natsume, you can never be healed..."  
  
(WHY NOT?!)  
  
"You can't LOVE anyone! You can't... love... ME!"  
  
And he disapparates, in a cloud of smoke and dust.  
  
Has he truly abandoned this arena, or has only his body disappeared? Does his spirit still linger, awaiting my next words? Well, if you still remain, hear me...  
  
I drop my invisibility. Bent on my knees, I raise my hands in a hopeful embrace in front of me, and whisper to the void that is where he stood, "Oh, Matsuba. If only you had not blinded yourself... You would understand... You would understand everything... How wrong you are, Matsuba, when you say I cannot accept. The reason I chose you... The reason I opened my mind to you, it's not because I couldn't love you.  
  
"It's because I already do." 


End file.
